~ Still sad, still missing ~

~ Another night finds me aloneIn my dreams. You still touch me. Your picture by my telephone. In that smile. You still thrill me. Now if I sleepI sleep here alone. In my bed tonight. You still haunt me. And if I'm falling. I'm falling like a stone. In my nightmares. You still hold me. And after all that we've been through. Now I'm wondering. If you still blame me. If only half of this was true. That you believe of me. You still shame me. Dark rain will fall until I see your face. I close my eyes. I seem to hear the raindrops saying. You won't come back. You still touch me... ~

Just thought I would I would write a quick little blog. Nothing new has happened. Still sad, still have not heard from him. The song above is exactly how I feel. So if anyone is reading this and you have any suggestions, please let me know.

~ Wow, Its been a looonnng time ~

~ If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine. If it had a home would it be my eyes. Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this. Well here we go now one more time. I tried to climb your steps. I tried to chase you down. I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground. I tried to earn my way. I tried to tame this mind. You better believe that I tried to beat this. ~


~Wow, it has been months and months since I've last wrote. And guess what.....nothing has changed. He still hasnt come back, and Im still no where near over it. Crazy right?? Yeah I think so. Nothing much has happened either. Ive watched about a million movies, and played about 100 video games lol. Such stupid things to pass the time. Still dont really have any friends. Still dont really know what he is doing. There have been no pics of him on the computer in months, and he hasnt been on his myspace since Oct. maybe he has a girlfriend now that occupies all of his time, I just dont know. But I hope each day that he doesnt.

Lifehouse has become my new fave band. They have the best lyrics to all of their songs its unreal. My new goal is to hopefully see them in concert sometime soon.

Had a real heart to heart today with my boss, and think Ive finally realized why I cant get over it. He stole my happily ever after. He created this magical world that was just like the movies. He was everything I had ever wanted, and he stole it. Once you have something like that, nothing is ever gonna compare. If there ever is another guy in my life, anything he does is never gonna be good enough. Its never gonna compare, its never gonna be as sweet. And THAT, is what sucks about the whole situation. Ive also realized why Im so mad at my sisters boyfriend, and why I cant stand him. And I figured this out from a great line in the movie Nights of Rodanthe. Im not going to go into great detail of the movie, but Richard Gere plays a Dr., he had a patient die on the table, and instead of telling the patients husband he has his nurse do it, and he shows no human compasion towards the husband what so ever. He tries to eventually explain to him medically what happened, but he is never emotional with him. Diane Lane says to him, "You just dont get it, you are part of the worse thing that is ever going to happen to him. All he wanted was for you to look him in the eyes and say you were sorry". And I think its kinda the same thing with my sisters boyfriend. He never once said sorry, or even aknowledged that anything actually happened. He acted like it was just some guy I went to the movies with once and never called. He really doesnt understand that he is a reminder of the worse thing to ever happen to me thus far.

Anyway, Im trying to quit smoking. I do good until the weekend comes. It sucks. I dont want to quit, but I feel that I should.

So in conclusion, Im still looking for any great advice on how once your "happily ever after" is stolen, what you are suppose to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated!! ~

~ Still waiting on you... ~

~ And I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes I've got no where to run. The night goes on, As I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life. I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me? ~

Again its been awhile since I wrote. No, nothing has changed. The pain gets worse everyday, and I miss him more and more everyday. I miss him so much, I miss my life. I miss the fun things we used to do, I miss having some there. I hate seeing couples together at all. I want everyone to be as miserable as me. It is true, misery does love company. He's still not with anyone as far as I know, which makes it even harder. Ive prayed to God every night for him to just come back. Cant I just have this one wish?? Why does my life have to suck so bad right now??? I have no friends. Ive never spent so much time by myself as I have in the past 9 months. And truth be told, I dont want to get over it. I really dont. I want him to just come back. I dont want to accept that it happened and move on. Im gonna be stuck like this forever. Its so sad. And he is sitting at his house by himself like a big retard. Yeah a big dumb retard. Who would want to be alone? I really cant take it anymore, or deal with it. I want to scream or break down or something. Its sad that I have not been happy in over 9 months. Not even for a minute. I hope one day soon, he wakes up and sees what he is missing out on right now, and comes back to make me the happiest girl in the whole world......

~ Mid Summer Already ~

~ So far away from where you are. I'm standing underneath the stars. And I wish you were here. I miss the years that were erased. I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face. I miss all the little things, I never thought that they'd mean everything to me. Yeah I miss you. And I wish you were here. I feel the beating of your heart. I see the shadows of your face. Just know that wherever you are, Yeah, I miss you. And I wish you were here ~

The old saying "time flies when you are having fun" really isnt true. Trust me, there has been no fun in my life for 8 months, and time still flies. I cant believe its already August. Nothing has changed, I still miss him and want him back more then anything else in the entire world. No day is better, and I feel like each day it gets a little worse. I ran into very good friends of his parents the other night. She came over to me and said "WHAT HAPPENED". Well of course I lost it and started bawling my eyes out. Yes me standing there in the middle of the bar crying. So I told her I have no idea what happened. She said that his parents were so pissed off at him. That they really liked me. (doesnt that just make me feel even more like shit). They said no one understands at all, and that there isnt anybody else nor was there ever anybody else since we've broken up. It confuses me and upsets me even more. What is his problem???

Ive been thinking a lot lately that maybe I was ment to be alone. Which to me is about the worse thing in the world, but Im starting to think that maybe thats the way it was suppose to turn out. Thinking back, even though I lived with previous ex for 6 years, I was pretty much alone the entire time anyway. And if I wasnt ment to be alone, why didnt either one of those relationships work out. Oh its because you havent found the right one they say. That is stupid and nonsense. There was no reason why HE couldnt have been the right one. No one is going to convince me otherwise. If I was ment to be happy, then he would be here right now and I would be. And if he really wasnt the one (which I will never believe), then why didnt the "one" magically appear and make everything okay. If there was really someone out there better then him, why wouldnt he have come along so I wasnt sitting here suffering for the past 8 months. So, I dont believe I was ment to be happy, and I do believe I was ment to be alone. And I hate compliments, so dont give them to me. I mean I really hate them. Nothing like hearing your beautiful, which is pretty much reconfirming the fact that maybe something is wrong with your personality, and that is why you are alone. I hate it. But I will just nod and smile, just like I spend most of my time doing. Pretending as best as I can that I am okay. No one believes it for a second. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

So Ive also been thinking about how to deal and come to terms with the fact that I may never get married and I may never have children. Its sad, and it upsets me, and I dont know how to accept it, but I feel that I need to find a way to start. Because it really just might not happen. I may end up the "dog lady". How sad is that.

So I will end this again, begging and pleading to whoever answers prayers, make him come back. Bring back my everything......

~ Noise ~

~ All the times that I've cried. All this wasted, it's all inside. And I feel, all this pain. I stuffed it down, it's back again. And I lie, here in bed. All alone, I can't mend. But I feel. Tomorrow will be ok. But I'm on the outside. And I'm looking in. I can see through you. See your true colors. Cause inside you're ugly. You're ugly like me. I can see through you. See to the real you ~

So we are moving into the 8th month that we have been apart. I saw him on Saturday night out at the club. He didnt even say hi, or wave or anything. I dont understand. We didnt have a bad, yelling, scene of a break up. "I did nothing wrong", so why cant he even say hi. It makes no sense to me. Its upsetting and its hurtful.

Im so lonely lately. I miss him so much. I miss the simple things. Going for walks, or him kissing me goodbye each morning when he went to work. I miss just feeling like someone cares.

I am definitely emotionally screwed up. How can it be 8 months with no sign of any hope, yet I cant give up. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even though he hasnt been in it for 8 months already. Each day hurts more and more, yet each day I continue to pray that today might be the day he calls and wants to talk or see me. I wish I could just quiet all the noise in my head. I wish my I could think about something else. Something other then how he made me feel, or how he made me smile, or how his touch gave me goose bumps, and how much I loved laying on his chest listening to his heart beat. It brings tears to my eyes now even 8 months later and sitting here writing it. Yes, I would say definitely emotionally screwed up.

I was looking back at old pics last night. I was thinking god i used to be so pretty. It made me sad, because I dont feel pretty anymore. I feel worthless, and pretty much like a big loser. I dont know how to change that. I still feel like I apparently dont deserve to be happy. Because if I did, he would be here. End of story. There is no debating that fact with me, because Im right. So I have nothing else new to say, just felt especially shitty today, and thought getting it all out would help. It didnt, but as least I wrote it all down...

~ The dreaded day is here ~

~ I've gotta picture of you in my bedroom. And i hope it never falls. I hope I never lose that feelin' I used to get when you called. And I wonder to myself... Who were you? Where are you? Were you ever here at all? I don't wanna lose your face. I dont wanna wake up one day and not remember what time erased. I dont wanna turn around 'Cause Im not scared of what love gave me and took away. And I dont wanna lose your face. I wish I could close my eyes and see you. I wish the sky had your face. And the oceans had your eyes. And the sun could have your lips. And I had you....~


Yes, it is the 14th. The day I have been looking unforward too since we've broken up. Actually I lie, I thought by now I would be better. So much for that theory. Today would be our 1 year anniversary. So now I get to sit here and think about what I was doing a year ago, and remembering everything that we did there after. I am utterly miserable, and I dont know how Im going to make it through the next 5 months remembering everything. Can the pain just go away. Havent I endured enough torture for 7 months. Cant he just come back. And if he cant, cant I just forget??

This day is just sucking so much, and I am so glad to be home now in my bed not having to deal with anything. Does he know what today is, did it even cross his mind? Its so frustrating not knowing. I can imagine that the days are only gonna get harder. Id say I will pray that they dont, but praying didnt bring him back, so what is the point.

~ Still Missing You ~

~ I, never thought that I Had anymore to give. You're pushing me so far. Here I am without you. Drink, to all that we have lost. Mistakes we have made. Everything will change. But,love remains the same. ~

So sitting here at the begining of July, still miserable, still sad, and still missing him like you have no idea. July 14th will be here before I know it, which is the day we met, and the start of all the great things we did last year. Its going to be miserable, and Im going to be miserable. Im really waiting for time to heal all wounds, but it seems to have skipped me. I miss him so much. I still hear his voice, I still see his face, I still dream about him every night. Nothing has changed on his myspace, and as far as I know, he is still by himself. Isnt he lonely like I am?? Dont I ever cross his mind??? I just cant let go. And I cant believe I still feel as shitty as I did the day it happened. I think I actually feel worse. I just want to be happy like I was. I want him back to share my life with. The whole thing is still so absurd to me, and I havent accepted the fact that it has happened.

I watch other people that are in relationships and wonder what I did that I dont deserve the same thing. And if he is not the one that it is suppose to be with (which I dont believe) then where the hell is the person that it is suppose to be with. I think I've waited long enough, and I think I've put up with enough bullshit in the men department that it should be my turn. Who knows, I sure as hell dont. I just know, that I love him & miss him more then anything else in this world. Please come back....