~ Empty ~

~ You've got your ball you've got your chain. Tied to me tight tie me up again. Who's got their claws in you my friend. Into your heart I'll beat again. Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you I'm so lost for you. You come crash into me. And i come into you, I come into you. Touch your lips just so i know. In your eyes, love, it glows so I'm bare-boned and crazy for you. When you come crash into me, baby. And I come into you. ~

That is how Im feeling right now, empty. So incredibly empty. How do I stop the thoughts of us?? Every minute of every day all I do is think about everything we did, and everything we said. Its like a movie that just keeps playing through over and over again, and I cant find the eject button. Why cant I get over it, why cant I move on, why is he all I can see??? Some say Im not trying to move on. Oh trust me, Im trying. But all roads lead back to him, and all thoughts of the future and my happiness lead back to him. When I look at the future, I see us dancing on our wedding day, I see us going to Italy on vacation, I see our children playing in the yard. How do I stop??? All I want is to just be with him. I'd give up everything I have. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. What I want to feel the most, is not at all. I'd be okay with not having any feelings at all for awhile. I just cant believe how sad I am, and what this is doing to my life. I like writing here in my blog. There is no one to tell me Im crazy, or tell me to get over it. I can write out everything I feel, and nobody has to approve.

So, I still havent made any friends. I tried. But this past weekend I did nothing but sit home and watch movies. Its lonely. It makes me miss him more, b/c I know how much he loves movies, and how great it would be for us to be sitting here watching them together. Also had to go out to dinner with the whole family again. I made it through another one. My sister's boyfriend didnt go, so that made it a little easier. I didnt have to look at him knowing that he gets to see HIM everyday. Knowing that he knows this is killing me, but still cant offer up anything.

I have a half day of work tomm. Going to go get my nails done and a pedicure. Whats the point really, no one to appreciate it anyway, but I like it so I guess thats reason enough. Then I have a Dr. appt. Then home to do more nothing. Isnt life grand....